Was it rough? The roughest. Was it transformational? The most.
After years of what I like to call, “the emotional intervention” that hippies like me seek for healing and for answers and for grounding and sometimes just for fun-I’m not new to the idea of digging deep and letting go. Having said that, the Tantra Way was the very first time I had taken on this type of excavation, and although it was difficult at times, I’m so happy I did it, I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
I have a background in yoga and meditation, but more Ashtanga (Asana junkie stuff) and Zen/Vipassana (stillness and breath awareness). The OSHO meditations kinda went against what I have been taught, but I trusted the process and I’m really glad I did. Doing movement-based mediation is way out of my comfort zone, but my skills in observing really helped to get the most out of meditations geared towards release in the body. I believe that my body holds much more wisdom than my mind (and it’s a lot less confused too) and the morning meditations allowed me to see where my body was holding on, letting go, feeling sore, tired, excited etc.
My personal issues revolve a lot around shame, guilt and allowing love into my life and it’s all wrapped up in one tight fisted little family package. Week one’s focus was on self acceptance, self awareness and family dynamic, so it was perfect for me. And what I mean by ‘perfect’ is that I was so damned resistant to it, that it was a daily battle just to stay in the course. Letting go is what I came to do and it was the hardest thing for me to achieve.
Having completed the first week, I feel like I’ve bitten off a huge chunk of the Elephant and I need a little time to digest it before going back in for the next course. I feel really relieved. I feel lighter and stronger and a little sore and a little fragile at the same time; kinda like the day after the stomach flu. I’m excited to watch how my body reacts in social situations now that I know her so much better. I’m excited to do the homework more often (“homework” is what I’m now calling loving yourself or as it’s more commonly known: masturbating) and not to neglect my own self care and love. I really feel blessed that Gaia was able to hold so much space for me when I was so down and dark and that she was strong enough to guide me through something that’s been too heavy for me to even understand for decades.
All in all, feeling blessed and a little envious of the Tantra Week 2 people who are going deeper and facing their own challenges this week.
The next round is happening in March.